Oh... the chats I have... God bless.
Friend: So, I'm a little... sore.
Me: Oh god.
Me: What did you do?
Friend: Well, last night I was sort of... bored.
Me: uh huh.
Friend: And you know... horny.
Me: uh huh.
Friend: So I sort of rigged up a little something-something and fucked myself stupid.
Me: And sore, apparently.
Friend: You don't even know. I feel like I got pounded.
Me: Nobody can fuck you like you can fuck you, baby.
Friend: APPARENTLY SO.
*After brief conversation about size-difference man-on-man action porn I'd watched involving French men, and after a search/login to find it...*
Me: *Eating ice cream* I think that music they're playing in the background is "My Sharona."
Friend: Thank you. That'll be in my head for weeks.
Me: I'm here for you.
*Time passes... Moaning... Rolling... Blow jobs. Etc.*
Me: *wincing* Yeah, that doesn't look... altogether...
Me: Yeah. Eesh. Can a brother get some lube?
Friend: I'm not sure it's gonna...
Me & Friend: *hissing through teeth*
Me: Breathe, baby.
Friend: *tsk* Look it him. Can't take the dick.
Me: Well, it is the size of an average Roman column, so perhaps--
Friend: No. He's too stiff.
Me: Come again?
Friend: You just wanted to say--
Me: Yes. Yes I did.
Friend: But seriously... he's too rigid. Can't be that way. Gotta roll with the dick.
Me: *laughing* WELL, get on in there, [friend], and show 'em how to take it!
Friend: Are you kidding me? I nearly broke myself trying to take dick last night. I can't fucking do that...
...seriously. Some people are choking hazards.